Blog #3 (sorta, maybe, #4)

THE Puterbaugh Sisters

Discussing toothaches, menstrual cramps and whooping cough with songs and British affectations. Everything is olde-timey, just like if I owned a Delorean! [Ed. What?]. Just dropped a Blazing Saddles reference and we are now traveling thru time...costume change...now in 1942: Hitler jokes with car horns, Auschwitz jokes -- "It's a real gas!" Zing. Slide whistles and Eleanor Roosevelt jokes, man, old ER really resembled a man. Just had an extended riff on Tom Hanks movies and now it's time for a song.

Mexicans are the new blacks? Replace the Negroes with Wetbacks? If you're not white, you're not right! Damn straight, sister.

More slide whistles, entendres and stump fucking "stumpy parts in lumpy parts" et cetera...

Some Sisters Team performed <------ No, really, I typed this meaningless and baffling sentence fragment at the end of their routine...I really don't know.


Jenna friedman:

She's got an old timey radio mic and just described the blogger as "post-modern" I'll be goddammed if blogging is post-modern; if anything it's contemporary, so you, Jenna Friedman, can go to Hell. Jenna is apparently getting fired and is really looking forward to it, by her logic bitterness = comic gold. Now she's talking about interviews and dudes that her friends dated in college. Nailed the interview! and never heard back from the guy.then raped her friend's exboyfriend with ..This girl is really having fun with the limited audience tonight

Dating part: Went on a lunch date (to where Olive Garden? [Ed. Yes! Run with it.]) with a guy she's surprised has money, on the way back her beau drops her off by the doorguy with the cleft foot. Her date is a recovering alcoholic and she really needs to drink around him, Funny!

Jenna almost became a mom the other day by kidnapping a baby, I liked this joke more when it was called Raising Arizona. Apparently it was an Asian baby, cuter than whitey?

Crunch Fitness: Crazy, cheezy time. Loud music like a school shooting, huh? How's your Crunch experience? Send them photos of headless women...Likes having sex with AIDS patients? positiveornot.com -- Tried going to this website and I got an error message, sad. Also, if it's a fake site, well done, Jenna, you duped the Blogger.
"Fake Comic with a Mic" @ Carols and a girl rolls up (literally) in a wheelchair which reminds me of a girl who shows up at Continental (bar I work at) in a wheelchair. I assume these two people are the same. Onstage Jenna cracks wise about the girl in the wheelchair being a great coat hanger...

Jerks!

Jamie (of Jerks) once won the famed champagne bean bag toss that Bryan Room has, not tonight, because, well, there's nobody in attendance...

The boys are talking about getting doored by a taxi cab and not ever becoming bike messengers, which makes me remember how nervous I am 'bout my Brooks saddle getting stolen.

Now the boys are riffin' on whose son is more awesome. One can do something with a rabbit and the other is suffering from cystic fibrosis and also chain smokes..."Fuck you for making fun of my son!" "It is hard to take interest in your son when his only activity as an 11 yr old is coloring."

Jump and we're now on a camping trip. Earning badges and having fun on the discussion of normal vs non-normal intercourse. Albert has got a pee-pee shaped like a "W" after being into plastics molding for a while. Albert's friend has now agreed to have intercourse with Albert's wife and Albert is lamenting the fact that "nobody could fit this thing into there." Conjoin houses? Live completely together? Put it straight in your wife and shoot it clear? This is a good camping trip. Albert needs to get over his insecurities in regards to the "W" penis.

Jump and we are done with camping. Now the boys are roadies? Musicians? in any case they are adjusting speakers and talking about Thin Lizzy. Thin Lizzy is looking for a job and is very concerned about drug testing...Thin Lizzy is on anti-depressants and you know what? the people are laughing at him. He also has fiber amylgia and it hurts everywhere...the guys are really focusing on the genetic diseases tonight. Once again I'm missing a relevant/fun NBA game tonight to blog about wisecracking.

An OAK:

First timers, and they are not funny. I'm going to get another beer. More bike accident jokes? Jesus! Now they are asking for adverbs and adjectives...good stuff, not really. This guy is impersonating a flamboyantly gay guy and it just isn't carrying over. Oh how I wish I could be watching the Spurs versus Lakers, Jesus, yesterday at my internship I was thinking hard about how the Spurs are the NBA equivalent to the Bush administration, I mean, think about it, they both came to power at the turn-of-the-century, they both contstantly rebut any and all challengers in spite of themselves and they both seem to have the uncanny ability to dodge any potentially crippling attacks against their person. See, Bush Abu Ghraib and Spurs, see Bowen, Bruce OR Horry hip-checking Nash in the '07 'offs. I'll argue all night and all day that the Spurs are as malevolent and single-minded as any crocodile, however, the big difference is that with a crocodile you can't get angry at instinct and you can't revolt againt nature. With the Spurs I had these, evidently, misconceived notions that the New Orleans were the Obama of these playoffs "Yes We Can" and all that bullshit, however, following the Spurs win on Sunday to send the Hornets home for the summer, "No We Can't."

Back to "An Oak" and they are actually making some minor progress, lamenting and riffing on the problems with pop-culture and/or television/cinema. I'm pretty sure they made a Golden Girls reference.

The Bryan Room:

Alright, the boys from Bryan Room are up next, last but not least and all that bullshit. WoW! Erik just completely fell apart with a silly voice and now sean and Ian are shouting at each other about zombies. Erik is playing some character named Dan who sounds like Bob Dylan and Mr. Magoo. Sean is attempting to reanimate some corpses and, presumably, the three of them work at a Fuddruckers? Sp?



Jump and now Erik has dropped the silly volice and is in a job interview? Okay, yes, it's an interview for a rodeo and Erik wants to be a murderer of bulls? hired under one pretense and has a secret mission: to kill the bulls. This bull-killing skit has been improv-tacular and now that the Dylan/Magoo man has returned the whole thing is coming together like peanut butter and jelly.

Tonight has been a really hilarious night, terrible crowd (I'm the only person who is not a performer) and everybody persevered and something, something....

Old Timey Bryan Roome

Really great show tonight, these youngsters have got comic chops in spades!

Abbott: Well Costello, I'm going to New York with you. You know Bucky Harris, the Yankee's manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as you're on the team.

Costello: Look Abbott, if you're the coach, you must know all the players.

Abbott: I certainly do.

Costello: Well you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team.

Abbott: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names.

Costello: You mean funny names?

Abbott: Strange names, pet names...like Dizzy Dean...

Costello: His brother Daffy.

Abbott: Daffy Dean...

Costello: And their French cousin.

Abbott: French?

Costello: Goofè.

Abbott: Goofè Dean. Well, let's see, we have on the bags, Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third...

Costello: That's what I want to find out.

Abbott: I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.

Costello: Are you the manager?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: You gonna be the coach too?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: And you don't know the fellows' names?

Abbott: Well I should.

Costello: Well then who's on first?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: I mean the fellow's name.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy on first.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The first baseman.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy playing...

Abbott: Who is on first!

Costello: I'm asking YOU who's on first.

Abbott: That's the man's name.

Costello: That's who's name?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.

Abbott: That's it.

Costello: That's who?

Abbott: Yes.

PAUSE

Costello: Look, you gotta first baseman?

Abbott: Certainly.

Costello: Who's playing first?

Abbott: That's right.

Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

Abbott: Every dollar of it.

Costello: All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name on first base.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy that gets...

Abbott: That's it.

Costello: Who gets the money...

Abbott: He does, every dollar. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

Costello: Whose wife?

Abbott: Yes.

PAUSE

Abbott: What's wrong with that?

Costello: Look, all I wanna know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name?

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: How does he sign...

Abbott: That's how he signs it.

Costello: Who?

Abbott: Yes.

PAUSE

Costello: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base.

Abbott: No. What is on second base.

Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.

Abbott: Who's on first.

Costello: One base at a time!

Abbott: Well, don't change the players around.

Costello: I'm not changing nobody!

Abbott: Take it easy, buddy.

Costello: I'm only asking you, who's the guy on first base?

Abbott: That's right.

Costello: Ok.

Abbott: All right.

PAUSE

Costello: What's the guy's name on first base?

Abbott: No. What is on second.

Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.

Abbott: Who's on first.

Costello: I don't know.

Abbott: He's on third, we're not talking about him.

Costello: Now how did I get on third base?

Abbott: Why you mentioned his name.

Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?

Abbott: No. Who's playing first.

Costello: What's on first?

Abbott: What's on second.

Costello: I don't know.

Abbott: He's on third.

Costello: There I go, back on third again!

PAUSE

Costello: Would you just stay on third base and don't go off it.

Abbott: All right, what do you want to know?

Costello: Now who's playing third base?

Abbott: Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?

Costello: What am I putting on third.

Abbott: No. What is on second.

Costello: You don't want who on second?

Abbott: Who is on first.

Costello: I don't know.

Abbott & Costello Together:Third base!

PAUSE

Costello: Look, you gotta outfield?

Abbott: Sure.

Costello: The left fielder's name?

Abbott: Why.

Costello: I just thought I'd ask you.

Abbott: Well, I just thought I'd tell ya.

Costello: Then tell me who's playing left field.

Abbott: Who's playing first.

Costello: I'm not... stay out of the infield! I want to know what's the guy's name in left field?

Abbott: No, What is on second.

Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.

Abbott: Who's on first!

Costello: I don't know.

Abbott & Costello Together: Third base!

PAUSE

Costello: The left fielder's name?

Abbott: Why.

Costello: Because!

Abbott: Oh, he's centerfield.

PAUSE

Costello: Look, You gotta pitcher on this team?

Abbott: Sure.

Costello: The pitcher's name?

Abbott: Tomorrow.

Costello: You don't want to tell me today?

Abbott: I'm telling you now.

Costello: Then go ahead.

Abbott: Tomorrow!

Costello: What time?

Abbott: What time what?

Costello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?

Abbott: Now listen. Who is not pitching.

Costello: I'll break your arm, you say who's on first! I want to know what's the pitcher's name?

Abbott: What's on second.

Costello: I don't know.

Abbott & Costello Together: Third base!

PAUSE

Costello: Gotta a catcher?

Abbott: Certainly.

Costello: The catcher's name?

Abbott: Today.

Costello: Today, and tomorrow's pitching.

Abbott: Now you've got it.

Costello: All we got is a couple of days on the team.

PAUSE

Costello: You know I'm a catcher too.

Abbott: So they tell me.

Costello: I get behind the plate to do some fancy catching, Tomorrow's pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Now the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me, being a good catcher, I'm gonna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

Abbott: Now that's the first thing you've said right.

Costello: I don't even know what I'm talking about!

PAUSE

Abbott: That's all you have to do.

Costello: Is to throw the ball to first base.

Abbott: Yes!

Costello: Now who's got it?

Abbott: Naturally.

PAUSE

Costello: Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta get it. Now who has it?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: Who?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: Naturally?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

Abbott: No you don't, you throw the ball to Who.

Costello: Naturally.

Abbott: That's different.

Costello: That's what I said.

Abbott: You're not saying it...

Costello: I throw the ball to Naturally.

Abbott: You throw it to Who.

Costello: Naturally.

Abbott: That's it.

Costello: That's what I said!

Abbott: You ask me.

Costello: I throw the ball to who?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: Now you ask me.

Abbott: You throw the ball to Who?

Costello: Naturally.

Abbott: That's it.

Costello: Same as you! Same as YOU! I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don't Know. I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow, Triple play. Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know! He's on third and I don't give a darn!

Abbott: What?

Costello: I said I don't give a darn!

Abbott: Oh, that's our shortstop.